21st Century Edition
A CEO slumped in his executive chair,
Having drunk more Martinis than he could bear;
So he fell asleep with a troubled brain
To dream that he rode on the Hell-bound train.
The engine with sweatshop workers’ blood was damp
And was brilliantly lit by a plutonium lamp;
A demon, for fuel, shoveled Iraqui bones,
While his cell phone rang with a thousand ringtones.
The boiler was filled with Coors lager beer
And Grover Norquist was the engineer;
The passengers were listening to Motley Crue-
Republicans, televangelists, John Roberts too,
Owners of sweatshops, Amway shills,
The people who sell us those overpriced pills,
Michael Savage fans spoiling for a fight
All gathered together-O God, what a sight!
While the train rushed on at an awful pace-
The greenhouse gases scorched their hands and face;
Bigger and denser the housing tracts grew,
As faster and faster the engine flew.
Louder and louder the cluster bombs crashed
And brighter and brighter the missiles flashed;
Hotter the global-warmed air became
Till the clothes were stuck to each quivering frame.
And out of the distance there arose a yell,
"Ha, ha," said Norquist, "we're getting near Hell"
Then oh, how the passengers all shrieked with pain
And begged Grover Norquist to stop the train.
But he capered about and danced for glee,
And laughed, and took some ecstasy.
"My faithful friends, you have done your jobs well
So I’m having you all at my condo in Hell
"You've attacked the innocent, robbed the poor,
The downsized workers you've turned from your door;
You've put all your money into offshore banks,
The money you’ve made selling bombs, guns and tanks
"You've justice scorned, and corruption sown,
And trampled your dear planet down.
You have murdered, cheated, plundered, and lied,
And mocked at humanity in your chicken-hawk pride.
"You’re all going first class, so I'll carry you through,
For it's only right you should have your due.
Why, the Wal-Mart workers get paid what they earn,
So I'll land you in Hell and watch you burn,
"Your flesh will waste in the flames that roar,
The pundits will torment you forevermore."
Then the CEO woke with an anguished cry,
His clothes wet with sweat and his hair standing high.
Then he prayed as he never had prayed till that hour
To be saved from his sin and the pundit’s power;
He stopped outsourcing to points far and wide
And moved his company’s operations stateside
Provided health care (how the workers rejoiced!)
Welcomed labor unions and gave workers a voice
He divested his holdings in war industries
And stopped donating to Focus on the Family
And his prayers and his deeds were not in vain,
For he never rode on that Hell-bound train.
revision by Doctor B.